DMX Legal

I often like to imagine rapper DMX in other professions
--this particular one was inspired by seeing a random (possibly homeless) person walking by, having an argument with themselves while barking (or maybe it was coughing, but it sounded like barking).

Opening Statement:
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf ... Arf Arf .  arf.  Arf Arf Arf.

Rebuttal:
Your honor, I hardly see how this is relevant or even appropriate, as the defendant is being tried on multiple dog fighting charges.

Cross Examination:
Arf.  Woof Woof.  Bark Bark Bark.

Rebuttal:
Really, I mean, really?  The defendant's counsel has just relieved himself on our table.

Habeus Corpus:
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf.  Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.

Rebuttal:
Is Habeus Corpus even a part of the trial process?

Closing Argument:
Clearly you can see this man is innocent.

Rebuttal:
I give up.

DMX Cellular

I often like to imagine rapper DMX in other professions...

"
TALK IS CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER, and now texting is too, unlimited data plans for only 29.99

Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME TALK ALL NIGHT, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE, with our monthly minute plan, it doesn't matter when you have to talk

STOP, DROP, TEXT EM UP LIKE A FIEND NOW...

"

My Life Is Jersey Shore

I want what Ronnie And Sammie have #mlijs

I introduce myself by a nickname I gave myself and nobody else uses #mlijs

I consider it a compliment when someone calls me a juicehead #mlijs

When I have to fill out my race on forms I put down "tan" #mlijs

I end my sentances in prepositions #mlijs

I use tanning salons year-round, even when I spend the summer at the shore #mlijs

I bedazzle my underwears #mlijs

GTL #mlijs #gtl

I cockblock my friends when I get shot down #mlijs

It doesn't matter if you're actually strong, just if you look strong #mlijs

I'm actually from New York #mlijs

I want what Ronnie and Sammie had #mlijs

I believe reality tv is a direct pathway to screen acting #mlijs

That girl totally gave me a handy in a bathroom stall at karma #mlijs

Springsteen?  Kevin Smith?  they weren't guidos #mlijs

Yeah im a musician.  i play the turntables #mlijs