DMX Legal

I often like to imagine rapper DMX in other professions
--this particular one was inspired by seeing a random (possibly homeless) person walking by, having an argument with themselves while barking (or maybe it was coughing, but it sounded like barking).

Opening Statement:
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf ... Arf Arf .  arf.  Arf Arf Arf.

Rebuttal:
Your honor, I hardly see how this is relevant or even appropriate, as the defendant is being tried on multiple dog fighting charges.

Cross Examination:
Arf.  Woof Woof.  Bark Bark Bark.

Rebuttal:
Really, I mean, really?  The defendant's counsel has just relieved himself on our table.

Habeus Corpus:
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf.  Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.

Rebuttal:
Is Habeus Corpus even a part of the trial process?

Closing Argument:
Clearly you can see this man is innocent.

Rebuttal:
I give up.

DMX Cellular

I often like to imagine rapper DMX in other professions...

"
TALK IS CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER, and now texting is too, unlimited data plans for only 29.99

Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME TALK ALL NIGHT, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE, with our monthly minute plan, it doesn't matter when you have to talk

STOP, DROP, TEXT EM UP LIKE A FIEND NOW...

"

My Life Is Jersey Shore

I want what Ronnie And Sammie have #mlijs

I introduce myself by a nickname I gave myself and nobody else uses #mlijs

I consider it a compliment when someone calls me a juicehead #mlijs

When I have to fill out my race on forms I put down "tan" #mlijs

I end my sentances in prepositions #mlijs

I use tanning salons year-round, even when I spend the summer at the shore #mlijs

I bedazzle my underwears #mlijs

GTL #mlijs #gtl

I cockblock my friends when I get shot down #mlijs

It doesn't matter if you're actually strong, just if you look strong #mlijs

I'm actually from New York #mlijs

I want what Ronnie and Sammie had #mlijs

I believe reality tv is a direct pathway to screen acting #mlijs

That girl totally gave me a handy in a bathroom stall at karma #mlijs

Springsteen?  Kevin Smith?  they weren't guidos #mlijs

Yeah im a musician.  i play the turntables #mlijs

If Cars Were People

For some reason I think something like this should happen in the Cars sequel (I know there's gonna be one, it was too craptastic for there not to be; sadly it's the low point of Larry the Cable Guy's career, wait, did I just semi-colon inside a parentheses?  Oh shit.  I should probably end this).

post script -- I didn't think I'd have to explain this, but it's supposed to be a car giving birth.  The idea came about when I was driving down some road and saw a car backing out of one of these truck things, remarking, it's like it's giving birth.  This conversation also led to the upcoming series -- The Gospel of Electric Car Jesus.

"Udder Humiliation"

My first ever comic/image etc whatever you wanna call it -- "Udder Humiliation"

-- Knuttel

Saga of Whiny Bitches and the future

So yeah, the story below has a shitton of errors (at the very least by my own standards), but honestly I don't care too much in this particular instance.  I wrote it mainly as a way to keep writing after college even when I didn't have too many ideas ready to burst forth from my Knuttel-y writing womb.  The idea came about when my sister, who reads (or perhaps read (past tense) now) waaaay too much fanfiction -- mostly (if not only) of Harry Potter and Twilight.  Often making fun of these, the idea came across for me to write my own, knowing absolutely nothing about the latter set of books, aside from an extremely basic premise.  So naturally I had to interject myself into the story, and just make myself as awesome as possible, I guess.  I also had to eventually toss in other pre-made fictional characters, as they both added to my awesomeness and also let the story survive, really -- I mean, I know a fair amount of Harry Potter, but I read the novels once, when I did it backwards right after the 7th one came out in Summer 2007.  Besides, how many times are you going to see a character from Moby-Dick in a fan fiction?

All of that being said, I originally finished writing this sometime last summer.  I put it up cos it kinda fit the theme I was going for -- random ass ideas coming to fruition.  I chopped it up since it was long (I think it's around 30 pages double spaced) and finally gave it a title (of which I am only partially satisfied, but I guess it's finally done) right before posting.

I guess this means that more of this kind of stuff will continue to get posted, though I think I will reserve chopping only for the longer pieces.  I'll also try to put something new up before I dig again into my Knuttel-y archives.  This is supposed to encourage me to write more damnit, not reflect on how awesome I am.

-- Knuttel

The Saga of Whiny Bitches, Part 8: Resolutions and etc.

“But how come he doesn’t leave behind a corporal body, you know, like most people and wizards?” Hermione said.

The Saga of Whiny Bitches, Part 7: The Mystery of the Chessboxing

“And now, what are all of these muggles doing here? I shall smite thee to death!” Voldemort said.

The Saga of Whiny Bitches, Part 6: Snape Kills Dumbledore?

So anyway, we arrive at that place where Snape is about to kill Dumbledore, just in time to stop them.

The Saga of Whiny Bitches, Part 5: Enter 1997

So I step out of the car, followed closely by the stowaways. I take a few steps before I realize that Superman (as portrayed by a Reeves) is in my path. OK, I actually walked straight into him, with so much purpose and determination (I had to save a life damnit!) that the man in blue fell on his ass. This momentary brush bugged me so I stopped and looked around to see what it was that happened. I look down to see Superman sobbing into his cape, loudly blowing his nose at regular intervals.