So I step out of the car, followed closely by the stowaways. I take a few steps before I realize that Superman (as portrayed by a Reeves) is in my path. OK, I actually walked straight into him, with so much purpose and determination (I had to save a life damnit!) that the man in blue fell on his ass. This momentary brush bugged me so I stopped and looked around to see what it was that happened. I look down to see Superman sobbing into his cape, loudly blowing his nose at regular intervals.
“Supes, waddap?” I said, trying to cool him down.
“Oh, hey Knuttel, I just had to come stop you from messing with the time space continuum”
“Oh, that? It’s no big deal. I’m under direct orders from Colonel Nick Fury to save Dumbledore, you know Snape kills Dumbledore?”
“WAH AH AH AH AH AH”
“Oh, was that a spoiler, I’m sorry.”
“Yes, it was a spoiler; I didn’t read that far yet…”
“Ok, well, like I said, I’m sorry, but I have to go save the time space continuum.”
“WAH AH AH AH AH AH”
“What now?”
“You humans don’t care about the time space continuum, do you?”
“Hah, that’s ridiculous. We care a lot about the time space continuum.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I care about the time space continuum almost as much as I care about Degrassi and Bacon, the candy of the meats”
“It really is the candy of the meats, and that is a lot of care, perhaps more than most humans could muster.”
As he was distracted by this conversation, I was grabbing a rock of Kryptonite from my pocket. I pulled it out, with my fist wrapped around it, and KA-HIT, slammed him in the face with it.
“God, he’s so needy. Who would give all those superpowers to such a wuss? OK, we need to get to Dumbledore, his life needs saving!” I exclaimed.
“Um, how are we going to get to Britain, or Harry Potter land, or wherever it is?” Mary Sue implored.
“Oh, right, you guys don’t know anything about time travel or the time space continuum. We’re already there. See, look, castles and dragons and shit,” I
gestured my hand towards said castles and dragons.
Three young wizards approach.
“Yo, Knuttel, is that you?” the gangly redheaded one yelled out.
“Fuck, I thought I could get in and out without having to see these three brats” I asided.
“I’m not sure you can use aside in the past tense like that Knuttel” the messy haired knowitall girl one exclaimed.
“DAMN WITCH, READING MY HEAD ARE YOU!” I yelled.
“It’s not reading your head, it’s written clearly on the page,” she reasoned, “and you’re welcome for the proper grammar correction.”
Who was she to correct my grammar, after all, she spelled flavor with a u; I mean, come on.
“Whatever Knuttel, we can argue grammar later, in fact, I know you will,” the scarred one annoyedly gasped.
“Whatevs.”
“So where are these guys from?”
“HAH, YOU ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION, GOT YOU, YOU DAMN LIMEY ASSHOLES!”
“Called it,” one of the wizards said, “So what’s the answer to the question?”
“Oh, they’re from some bitch-ass part of Washington, he’s a vampire that sparkles, he’s some dude that says he’s a werewolf, and she’s trying to pick between necrophilia and bestiality”
“Uh huh. So you all doing all right after Kurt Kobain’s death?”
“Am I the only person who hasn’t heard of that?” I replied, “Hey, is that Remus Lupin?”
“I feel your pain werewolf boy,” he gestured.
“Thank you,” werewolf boy responded.
“So, anyways, hate to break up a moment here but, we have to go stop Snape from killing Dumbledore,” I interrupted.
“SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!!” the three wizards proclaimed.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, their names are Harry (scarred one), Hermione (messy haired knowitall girl one), and Ron (gangly red haired one), and I put it in alphabetical order out of fairness.
“Thanks, Knuttel,” Harry said.
“Shove it,” I replied.
“Hey Knuttel, could you stop using all of these alternate ‘said’ words? It’s really just distracting to the reader,” Hermione said.
“Ok, I’ll do it if you guys stop breaking the fourth wall. There’s only two people that are allowed to do that, and that’s Deadpool and I,” I said.
Huh, said does work better.
“So should we start saving Dumbledore now or not?” Ron said.
“Yeah, in a minute, just trying to figure out where we are,” I said.
“Yo, Vampire boy, got any white?” Ron said.
“What are you talking about?” Vampire boy said.
“OK, I’ll settle for brown,” Ron said.
“You’d think they’d just put like a ‘you are here’ thing on these maps, I mean, so what if it’s made of paper,” I said.
“I have no idea what you are talking about, I don’t have any crayons,” Vampire boy said.
“OK, you don’t have any brown or white, what about speedballs? Cheeseballs?” Ron said.
“Still lost,” Vampire boy said.
“No heroin, you don’t have any heroin? Really? I mean, look at you.”
“Why does everybody think I have heroin? I’m a vampire!” Vampire boy said.
“Oh, I thought that was just like a nickname, like Draco Malfart or something. That whole sparkling thing threw me for a loop. Really? Sparkling?” Ron said.
Well, we weren’t going to see any sparkling on this leg of the journey, after all, even though it was daytime, we were still in England. There is no sun in England.
“You got that right,” Ron said.
“What did I say about breaking the fourth wall?” I said.
“Oh right, wasn’t paying attention.”
“Do you ever pay attention?”
This continued for quite a bit, as Ron had been quite ignorant, and I really had to dig deep into him and rip him apart.
“Hey Knuttel, what time was Snape supposed to kill Dumbledore?” Harry said.
“Oh, like 8:13, I think Nick Fury said,” I said.
“Well, it’s quarter after right now. There’s no way we’re getting there in time,” Harry said.
“Damnit Ron, now I gotta go mess with the whole time space continuum again. You just really don’t care do you.”
This continued until 8:30, when I finally reboarded my car and jumped back in time a little bit further, just the kinda thing you’re not supposed to do, but damnit, Ron had to screw up again.
I went through the drill, punched supes in the face again, melded into my body of that time (that’s how it works, you just have to sneak up, if you see yourself and recognize it, well that spells catastrophe. You can’t spell catastrophe without “cat”, god I hate cats).
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