“And now, what are all of these muggles doing here? I shall smite thee to death!” Voldemort said.
“Wow, melodramatic much?” I said, “smite thee to death? Real creative, not to mention, we are plural, thus using the singular second person here doesn’t really fly.”
“Really? Moments from your doom, you sit here mocking my grammar? What sort of insolence is this?” Voldemort said.
“I just think the world would be a better place if everyone uses the President’s English properly.”
“The President’s English? DOES THE QUEEN KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH THOSE U’S?”
“All I know is all that’s right.”
“Curse you fool!!”
“Ah hah, I challenge you to a Chess-boxing match! Thanks Hermione, b t dub, for looking that up while I was distracting him.”
“No problem, Knuttel,” Hermione said.
“Argghhh, how did you learn that a dark lord who splits his soul to create a horcrux can never turn down a chess-boxing match?” Voldemort said.
“Oh, I’m the one that reads books,” Hermione said.
“Fine, I shall comply with thine request, but first, I shall entrap all of these magical beings inside a magic cage, which shalln’t be broken until the match is decided,” Voldemort said.
Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione, and Ron are immediately trapped in a giant bubble. Werewolfboy, Vampireboy, and Mary Sue are left out.
“You realize he’s a vampire and he’s a werewolf?” Mary Sue said.
“Oh, I guess I can make another bubble for the werewolf. … Wait, you do realize it’s a full moon,” Voldemort said.
“Yeah, what’s your point?” Werewolfboy said.
“It’s just, you know, werewolves usually turn into wolves or something when it’s the full moon. Seeing as how it’s the full moon, you should be some sort of rabid beast.”
“Oh, you mean like this?”
Werewolfboy slowly and controllably turned into a wolf-like critter, never acting feral. He even barked up a cute little song.
“Oh, ok, so that’s what werewolves do nowadays? No undending hunt of humanity or anything? That’s kind of boring. I think McGonagle’s cat form is more feral than this,” Voldemort said.
“But what about me, I’m a vampire, that has to count for something,” Vampireboy said.
“Right, well first there’s that unending hunt of humanity thing again, and, well, you look like you could use this, I think this will be better than a bubble,” Voldemort said.
Voldemort accioed a heroin syringe and a rubber surgical tube, to tie off, in front of Vampireboy.
“Why does everyone think I use heroin? I mean, come on. When people think of vampires they think of pale and sparkly, how is that so hard to understand? No one understands!” Vampireboy said, brusing his bangs across his forehead.
“Wait, you sparkle?” Voldemort said.
“…Yeah, I am a vampire, therefore I sparkle in the sun. It’s simple logic here.”
“Buahahahahahahahahahahahaha.”
“I’m gonna go sit in the corner.”
“Hey, Voldemort, are we gonna kick ass and play chess, or what?” I said.
Voldemort Accioed use a chessboard, boxing ring, clock, and all that good stuff. It was time to get it on. There was a lot of Knight to E4 and Bishop to B8 kinda shit followed by uppercuts, jabs, and left hooks, etc. I had Voldemort on the ropes, when he whipped out his wand and suspended me in the air.
“Woah, dude, this is clearly against the rules of chess-boxing! Don’t be such a sore loser. Take it like a man,” I said.
“But I don’t have to, you see, I’m a wizard,” Voldemort said.
What a bitch response.
I accioed my self a guitar and started wailing out a guitar solo. It was epic. It was magic. I learned it in exchange for saving Matt Pike’s life after Sleep broke up. He even offered me to be the other guitarist in his next band, but I had to turn him down. I had to get back to my own time.
“widdly wah, squa na na SQUA, widdly widdly widdly widdly dun nun nun nun nun nun nun SQUAH!” I finished my solo and broke free of Voldemort’s mid-air suspension.
“How did you…” Voldemort was out of words.
“Hah ah, there are non wizard forms of magic, Voldemort. I happen to be magically kick ass at guitar,” I said.
“But how did you accio the guitar?”
“Oh, in exchange for not telling anyone that he’s gay, Dumbledore agreed to accio whatever I needed to kick your ass.”
“Wait, Dumbledore’s gay?”
“Yeah, apparently.”
“I don’t see how this adds anything to the story. It just seems fan-fictiony.”
“Yeah, whatevs, I’m not gonna indict the writer or anything.”
“Oh, well for ruining my plans yet again, I shall force you and your friends to meet your doom.”
Voldemort started charging at me, so I started playing another kick-ass solo. He started slowing down and eventually stopped completely. Werewolfboy charged Voldemort and started to jump on him, like a dog playing. This made him mildly annoyed and the shield got let down. Vampireboy got out of his corner and started walking over. At this point, Werewolfboy had Voldemort pinned onto the ground. Vampireboy was still crying, and one of his vampire tears fell on Voldemort.
“Crash,” a loud sound occurred.
I pulled out my gun and shot at Voldemort repeatedly, not intentionally avoiding Werewolfboy, but still managing not to hit him.
“Bullets! My only weakness! How did you Know!”
And Voldemort faded into oblivion.
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