Just then, as I’m shaking it out, I get a call on my cell phone.
I will tell you that I love you, just to hug you, ‘cos I’m bluffin’ with my muffin, I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love glue gunning.
I let it ring out, as I’m still shaking, figuring they’ll call back if it’s important.
I will tell you that I love you, just to hug you, ‘cos I’m bluffin’ with my muffin, I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love glue gunning.
“Hello,” I pick up the phone.
“Yoooo, Knuttel, it’s me,” the guy on the phone says.
“Who?”
“The fuggin Colonel, Nick Fury”
“Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D?” This was a very important phone call, but I don’t like to save his number, he’s needy.
“Shit yeah, sucka. Listen up, I have an important mission for you. The time-space continuum depends on it.”
“OK, cool, but if it’s the time space continuum, then wouldn’t it really not matter? I mean, I’d be traveling back in time, does it really mater from when I’m leaving?”
“Riiiiight, anyways, you have to go back in time to June 1997 in Hogwart’s land.”
“OK…..”
“To prevent Snape from Killing Dumbledore.”
“SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!!”
“Shhhh, you’ll spoil the ending. Anyways, yes, Snape kills Dumbledore, and you need to stop it from happening.”
“OK, sir, I will be right on it.”
“Hey, what are you doing next week?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you see, I was gonna get like a boys night out thing going on, you know”
“Well, uh, I have plans…”
“OK, well you don’t have work, cos I gave you off, so what could it be?”
“Ummm, private matters. Yes, I have private matters to attend to. Sorry, can’t make it.”
“Dum Dum Dugan’s gonna be upset.”
“Don’t drag Dum Dum into this.”
“OK, well, just think about it.”
“OK, sure, whatevs. I’m out, I have an old wizard to save.”
“Roger that, Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., over and out.”
I hang up the phone, and release a breathy sigh.
“Man, he is so needy,” I tell everyone.
“So your car travels back in time?” Mary Sue says.
I nod.
“And it’s a battle tank,” she continues.
I nod again.
“And it has those ski racks on the roof?”
“Yep.”
“Wanna be number 38?”
As much as I’d like to be on the receiving end of a “j”, I had a mission to do, and a life to save. Besides, road head is dangerous enough when not traveling through time. Add time, and shit, you might kill the dinosaurs or something. Besides, I was actually already number 12, and it was actually kinda mediocre, nothing remarkable.
I prepped the car for time travel, somehow along the way not noticing the Mary Sue girl, the werewolf and the vampire stowing themselves away in my car’s roomy interior. They all had ample leg room, even in the back. It truly is a pinnacle of Swedish engineering – it must have been based off some sort of old Viking design. I can imagine Odin and Jord taking Thor to his soccer games in a vehicle similar to it as he was growing up. The Vampire’s car, however, must’ve been some sort of Hans Christian Anderson castoff. Alas, I digress. I initiated the car’s time travel sequences, pressing buttons, reciting countdowns; you know the drill; when the conversation in the back drills itself into my ears.
“I don’t understand why you can’t just accept this,” Mary Sue blurted.
“Because, you have performed fellatio on 37 dudes, I just don’t think I can look at you the same way,” Vampireboy replied.
“Really? I mean, I’m technically still a virgin,” Mary Sue reasoned.
“Technically, what does technically mean exactly?”
“You know… besides, I didn’t think this would be a big deal.”
“Technically, does that mean you’ve been up for anal?” Werewolfboy rudely interjected.
“That’s not important. Technically is really, and that is all,” Mary Sue swiftly resounded.
She was right after all, being technically correct is the best kind of correct.
“Yo dude, when are we gonna time travel and all?” Werewolfboy beckoned.
“Oh, we’re already there. You guys were having such an engaging conversation I thought I’d leave you alone and jazz,” I replied.
Really they were just pissing me off, as it so happens, they missed all the awesome things you see and hear while traveling through time. But since they ruined it, I’m not going to bother explaining it or anything, so blame them. It was dice, that’s all I’m going to say about that.
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