I arrived in Forks, it didn’t take me long due to my impeccable sense of direction, aided by my impeccable sense of smell. I drove around, looking for some grunge music, when I saw some dude just parked outside of a middle school. He looked like a heroin addict, so I assumed he was going to sell heroin to middle-school students. Not being cool with this, I got out of my car and asked him in some very kind words what his business was.
“WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING DRUGGEE, A PUSHER, HUH, YOU WANNA GET THESE KIDS HOOKED ON THE SMACK, WELL I AM NOT TOO FOND OF THAT KIND OF BUSINESS MR. DOPEFIEND!”
He rolled down his windows (yes, all of them, he was a weird fellow). He drove a shiny Volvo, but it wasn’t as shiny or awesome as mine.
“I’m not selling heroine, I’m a vampire.”
“Potato, potato. … wait, if you’re a vampire then why are you out during the day? Aren’t you supposed to burst into flames or something?”
“No, I’m a vampire. I sparkle in the sun. Wait, did you just pronounce potato the same way twice?”
At this moment I burst into an incredible laughter. I mean, what kind of vampire just sparkles in the sun? Clearly this man was on some sort of strong dope trip. And we all know there’s only one way to pronounce potato.
As I was rolling in laughter on the sidewalk, some sort of girl came running down the street. I think she looked a lot like you, female reader, or for the male reader, how about just any girl will do.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing down here at the Middle School, Vampireboy?” She howled.
“Oh, right, ummm, this isn’t what it looks like…” Vampireboy replied.
“I think he’s selling heroin, I mean look at him,” I interjected, “wait, did you just call him Vampireboy?”
“Yeah, I told you, I’m a vampire, what the hell do I need to do to prove that?” said Vampireboy.
“Don’t you change the subject on me, mister! I demand an explanation” the angry girl yelled.
“Mary Sue, please, you’re making a scene. I’m just scouting the talent,” Vampireboy said, shrinking away.
“You’re WHAT!” Mary Sue yelled, yet again, god she was loud.
“Well, you know, you’re gonna get older, and I want to be with someone forever, to share my feelings with and hold hands and stuff,” Vampireboy said.
“So you’re at the middle school? Did you find anyone, were you going to tell me? Seriously?” Mary Sue continued.
I stayed back and just looked on, this drama was almost as good as Degrassi.
“Well, yeah, I found someone. She’s not like you, no one’s going to ever be like you, but, welp, she’ll give me a solid 4 more years, and I can live with that trade off” Vampireboy reasoned.
Mary Sue stormed away. Vampireboy sulked. “I like liked her too. I was about to ask her if it was ok to kiss her on the cheek.”
This was the wussiest vampire I had ever met, and I should take this time to mention that Nosferatu listens to Dashboard Confessional; just saying.
Anyway, since he wasn’t pushing drugs on minors, and also had a shiny silver Volvo, I decided to challenge him to a game of chicken. Feeling as if he had no more to live for, he sheepishly agreed. He pointed to a map and told me to meet him at “this” place in an hour. It didn’t look hard to find, must be some sort of abandoned lot on the edge of town. I took the time to prepare by getting pumped and listening to some motherfucking Slayer. I knew I was going to beat him, but I wanted to demolish and destroy him. Fucking A.
So, I get to the site, and see some dude talking to the Mary Sue girl. Vampireboy pulls up a little bit after me. He was late.
Vampireboy got out of the car and ran towards Mary Sue and the other dude.
“Oh, since you’re done with me you’re just gonna run with him?” Vampireboy yelled.
“Woah, woah, I thought you two were over, like I mean, I thought this was cool,” the other dude said.
“What do you mean, this was cool?”
“Me and her being in public…”
This other dude didn’t really like to use good grammar.
“It’s ok wolfie, the vampire and I are done with,” Mary Sue said.
“NO MARY SUE, IT WILL NEVER BE OVER, IT WILL ALWAYS BE US! I made you a scrapbook to express my feelings!” Vampireboy said.
“Wait, wolfie? Is this dude a fuggin werewolf?” I interjected.
“Ummmm, yeah” they all said in unison.
“Weird”
“Anyway, Mary Sue, can I have you back? There was no other girl,” Vampireboy admitted.
“Psssh, you can take her back. I can only get her to blow me anyway,” Werewolfboy bellowed.
Mary Sue slapped Werewolfboy on the shoulder.
“Blow, like in blowjobs? Mary Sue, you’ve blown this fellow? Can we talk about this and our feelings in my car?” Vampireboy implored.
Mary Sue tried to ignore him.
“We can listen to John Mayer on sixteen independent speakers,” he continued.
His lower lip started to quiver, and he began to squint his eyes. He was preparing to cry or something. I didn’t think vampires did that.
“Fine, let’s talk,” Mary Sue replied. They both headed into the less shiny Volvo.
Your body is a wonderland…
“So, you’re a werewolf, huh? How does that work? Cos like, everything seems to be weird here, like he’s a vampire that sparkles, so like, what’s the deal?” I ask, trying to break the awkward silence.
Werewolfboy said“Oh, well, you know … it’s like …”
Your body is a wonderland…
“37!!!!” Vampireboy’s voice yelled from inside the car.
The doors slammed open.
“This girl’s sucked 37 dicks! 37!” Vampireboy tried earnestly to tell us.
Mary Sue glared over at him and then walked silently over to the log and sat next to the werewolf.
“You’re so immature,” Mary Sue scowled over at Vampireboy.
“Yeah, well, at least I haven’t sucked 37 dicks,” Vampireboy tried to comeback.
“Yo dude, you sure about that?” Werewolfboy threw in.
“Oh shit, dice!” I said, fist bumping the werewolf.
“You’re acting like a 5 year old,” Mary Sue said.
“For your information, missy, I am, like 90 or something,” Vampireboy said.
Everyone was confused, either he didn’t know his age, or he was lying about it poorly. Either way, no one seemed to care.
“Fine Mary Sue, think I’m acting all immature and childish, well I’m about to play chicken against this fellow’s 1991 Volvo Station wagon,” Vampireboy said.
“Oh, no, don’t,” Mary sue monotonously rattled.
“Dude, that station wagon is a tank, no fuggin way vampy’s Volvo is going to win,” Werewolfboy commented.
Encouraged, Vampireboy and I entered our respective Volvos.
Vampireboy and I lined our cars up and revved the engines. It was go time.
We raced down the path, collision likely. Suddenly, Vampireboy slams his breaks and turns to his left, probably about a good ten seconds before any impact would happen. So naturally I turned my car accordingly, and t-boned the shit out of the lesser Volvo. I then backed my car out, and rammed it back in a few times. For good measure I backed out once again and started firing at it with the car’s turret. Shit was gone. Vampireboy crawled out of the rubble, “Jolly good show.”
I got out of the car and urinated on the rubble.
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